Thrive with ADD Newsletter, July 2004

BONNIE MINCU
Personal and Business Coach
for ADD - AD/HD Adults

Most ADD Adults are aware of the challenges their regarding time management, disorganization and clutter. They can painfully recite the problems these difficulties cause them at work. But fewer are as aware of the impact ADD traits can have on personal relationships. As an ADD Coach, I am called more often by the partner of an ADDer about relationship issues than by the ADD person themselves.

Why not take charge yourself? Here are four proactive steps you can take to enhance your relationship, by managing the traits that annoy your partner.

1. Pick Your Targets

You can't work on changing everything at once. So, choose 1-3 habits of yours that you would like to change. These should be in areas that matter to your partner, and where your partner will be able to see the difference right away.

Bill's clutter was infuriating to his partner, especially since they share a one-bedroom apartment.

Jen's chronic lateness alarmed her fiancé. He was so angry when she showed up 45 minutes late to a play that he stormed out, forfeiting expensive tickets.

2. Create a Strategy

Good intentions, by themselves, will not change anything. You need to plan a strategy that will ensure that you can actually create new habits.

To start, identify:

• What is the problem, and what, exactly, do you do or not do to cause it
• What solutions are required
• What ADD traits get in your way
• What help or aids do you need

The Problem

• Bill's excessive clutter was created by him unconsciously putting down items or papers without paying attention to doing so. When he removed something from its place, he didn't put it back.

• Jen's lateness came from her poor sense of time. She did not act logically in planning enough time to do what she needed -- including leaving in time to meet her fiancé.

Solutions

• Bill's solutions involved first clearing the cutter that he created, and then, making sure he put things away every day.

• Jen needed to develop a realistic sense of time, and then to learn to act on it when meeting her fiancé.

ADD Traits

• Bill's inattentive ADD kept him from noticing when he put things down. He was too impatient to put things away right after he used them. And he tended not to notice the cutter unless he was looking for something.

• Jen had a tendency to over-promise. Her poor time sense had her falsely believing she could do too many things. And even when she did plan properly to leave the house on time for appointments, her disorganization caused her to be late.

Help Needed

• Bill needed to remind himself to put things away, and to scan each area of the apartment for items left in inappropriate locations. He required a "ritual" habit to do this on a regular basis. Bill bought a timer (Invisible Clock)to go off at 10:00 every night, as his call to check for clutter and to put things away.

• Jen used the Thrive with ADD Time Sense Exercise© to gain a more realistic sense of time. She started a ritual every night of reviewing her appointments for the next day and preparing her clothes and briefcase. This eliminated last-minute scrambling.

3. Manage Expectations

Change doesn't happen overnight! You and your partner need to acknowledge "baby steps" towards positive change. It can take a lot of repetition to transform a lifelong habit.

Bill and Jen both made verbal "contracts" with their partners that involved:

1. Explaining their strategies
2. Identifying helpful ways their partner could keep them on track -- versus nagging and unproductive strategies
3. Promising they would openly discuss their progress and setbacks along the way
4. Asking for encouragement and acknowledgement for the little milestones

• Bill explained to his partner how his inattentive ADD kept him from noticing the clutter. He also asked his partner's help in encouraging him to keep to the nightly de-clutter ritual. Bill also raised a discussion with his partner about how a different organizing system in the home office might work better for Bill.

• Jen told her fiancé of her anti-lateness strategies. She asked for his advice in going over next-day plans with her, to help her identify unrealistic assumptions she may be making regarding activity and travel time.

4. Follow Through

If you've tried making changes in the past, and failed, consider which of these aspects of follow-through you've been weak at.

Clarifying your Goal: Is your goal realistic? Does it take your traits and tendencies into account? Is it one that will truly please your partner, and be motivating to you?

Preparing and Anticipating Roadblocks: Have you determined necessary pre-steps before beginning? Have you prepared by obtaining helpful aids you need (for example, timer, Time Sense Exercise, reminder aids, an ADD coach?)

• Jen needed to clear out the front of her closet before she can hang her clothes there for the next day.

Strategy and Timetable: Have you worked out a strategy to meet your goal? Is it broken down into specific action steps? Are the steps realistic for your schedule and attention span? Have you made commitments on your calendar to work on each step of your plan?

Working the Plan: Are you actually doing the steps you've planned? If not, determine what's getting in your way. Perhaps the plan needs tweaking to better accommodate your needs.

• Bill found that 10:00 PM wasn't the best time to de-clutter every night, since he really wanted to watch the 10:00 News. He changed the ritual time to 9:30.

Communication: Discuss your progress with your partner. Is your partner pleased? Why or why not? Can you identify ways where your partner can help you more effectively to reach your goal? Make sure your improvement strategy isn't creating another problem.

What small difference can you make today?

Little steps add up! Pick one small thing that will make a visible difference to your partner, and commit to doing it today.

Don't know where to start? That's where an ADD Coach comes in. Contact me about a "please my partner" phone-coaching program, tailored to your needs. Individual and couples coaching is available. You can read about ADD Coaching at www.thrivewithADD.com/coaching

E-mail me

Is Your Christmas Tree
Still Up in July?

Mine was! I learned that my tendency to not notice the Christmas tree -- and my impatience with the bother of putting it away - were typical of Inattentive-Type Adult ADD.

In this free 90-minute teleclass, you'll learn the basics of Adult ADD. You'll learn which of the traits and tendencies that you've always thought were "just you" may actually be typical ADD manifestations. You'll recognize your positive ADD traits that may be your greatest strengths. You'll gain the understanding that will help you make the leap from frustration and critical judgment to acceptance. And you'll learn a few simple strategies to start developing new habits of effectiveness.

Who Should Take This Telephone Class?

This class is intended for adults / mature teens who:

• Are newly diagnosed as Adult ADD
• Suspect you are ADD
• Are close to an ADD Adult or teen
• Want to start gaining more understanding of Adult ADD traits
• Desire to become more effective in your goals and life

Thursday evening, July 15, 2004
9:00 - 10:30 PM Eastern Time
FREE - 90 minutes

Register now - space is limited! Once you register, you'll be sent useful email tips, and a copy of my article, "Is Your Christmas Tree Still Up in July?"

REGISTER through www.thrivewithADD.com

This class is led by Bonnie Mincu, MBA, MA, ADD Coach.

Is coaching for you?
Find out now!

PLEASE FORWARD THIS EMAIL to anyone interested in ATTENTION DEFICIT DISORDER.

QUESTIONS? Contact:
Bonnie Mincu, Personal & Business Coach
www.thrivewithADD.com
www.bonniemincu.com
212-614-7317
bonnie@bonniemincu.com

© Copyright 2004 Bonnie Mincu. The 'THRIVE with ADD Newsletter' may only be redistributed in its unedited form. Written permission from the author must be obtained to reprint or cite the information contained within this newsletter.